In the Mix Page 10

“Can we do that?” Her eyes light up.

  “Sure! Do you have a truck lying around somewhere?” A little snark never hurt no one!

  “No.” She slumps in the chair next to me. “Can we rent one?”

  “I don’t have the money to do that, sweetie, or we’d be cruisin’ in a paw mobile in a heartbeat.” And with that, we sit there, watching the cars go by outside, in silence.

  “Oh!” She jumps up after a few. “I almost forget to give you Kyle’s notes.” She heads to the back, quickly. Great! After a minute or two, she comes back. “Here you go,” she says hurriedly. Um . . . ok.

  Cici,

  I’m sorry that I behaved the way I did tonight. I know that you’ve been hurt in the past; I’ve learned that much. However, I think I’ve proven that I’m more interested in pursuing a relationship with you—not just a one-night stand. There’s something about you that makes me feel things. Things I’m not sure of myself. Things I know I’m not familiar with. Crazy. You make me feel crazy! It’s a good crazy, though. Well, at least, it makes me feel good. I never know what to expect with you. That’s my favorite part about you. That’s also the scariest part. This is all scary for me. I don’t care how much of pussy I sound like right now—it’s true!

  We all have a past that has mistakes we’ve made or bad memories that like to resurface. We can’t let it dictate our future. I don’t know what that fucking prick did to you but I know one thing—he didn’t deserve you! I deserve you. Please give me the proper chance to prove that to you.

  I panicked last night. I knew then that you were using me to escape whatever it is that is haunting you right now. I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now. But . . . if you were just using me to help you forget what’s bothering you and not JUST using me, then I’m ok with that as long as you and me are a “we” . Do you understand what I’m saying to you? Can you commit to me—only me? We’ll go at whatever speed you want to. I just need the commitment.

  I hope I see you at Linz’s party. I know there’s a possibility that you won’t come and I know I’m to blame for that. But please consider what it means to my sister to have you there. You’re so good to her, Ceese. She loves you.

  Just one more thing before I end this letter. Being with you tonight (before I had a tantrum) was nothing short of a slice of heaven to me. Touching your soft skin, tasting you, kissing you . . . being inside of you; the sounds that escaped your throat are still loud in my ears. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve imagined us like that. Next time, don’t avoid my eyes and let me make love to you. I don’t mind fucking at all but I just wanted to savor the moment with you tonight and you wouldn’t let me have that. Did you not feel the way that I did? Text me now and tell me “Yes, I felt it” or “No, I didn’t.” When you do so, I will tell you what that abbreviation meant. :)

  Yours, no matter what,

  Kyle xxx

  Fuck the way I’m feeling right now!

  What do I do? Yeah, I felt the way he was feeling. I also felt a shitload of anxiety with it, as well. I’m feeling that right now! Like I’m in a crowded room with no oxygen.

  “Are you ok? You don’t look so well.” I hear Linz ask next to me.

  “I don’t feel so good,” I answer and get up to walk near the AC duct. Don’t hate me but I’m about to punk out right now. This is too much for me. I have too many things on my plate—I can’t handle this. I just can’t.

  I go back to the desk and grab my phone.

  I read your first note.

  Back off.

  I stare at my phone, waiting. Several minutes go by and instead of driving myself crazy, I decide to head into my office and compile the list of bills I need to pay off. Christ, this list is growing by the minute and definitely not helping my anxiety. My phone pings. Nervously, I look down at it.

  Mitch: What did you do?

  Me: What did I do when?

  Mitch: What did you just do to Kyle?!

  Me: What are you talking about?

  Mitch: You are a fucking piece of work! Smh.

  I don’t bother to respond again. I don’t know what’s going on that he would send me these texts but I can imagine that it’s not good. Suddenly, the butterflies I usually feel in my belly when Kyle is around me are fluttering in my heart. That can’t be good, right? I knew I was going to fuck this up. I told you—didn’t I?! I’m not cut out for this shit. I was once. That was a long time ago, though. I’ve learned my lesson. My phone pings again. I look down, expecting a lovely message from Mitch telling me to go fuck myself. Instead . . .

  Kyle: DONE!

  Look, I’m not about playing games, but did you see that? Fucking liar. Was he not the one who said to me last night, and I quote, “Don’t mistake my leaving tonight as me giving up. I never quit, Birkita.”? Still, I’m not going to sit here and tell you my heart didn’t just break a little.

  Focus . . . focus . . . focus.

  Electric: 217.51 due: Immediately!

  Vendor (Paws plus): 353.01 due: Immediately! Won’t send anymore shipments till paid in full.

  Fuckers!

  Rent: 1000.00 due: 2 weeks ago—shit!

  Amex: Fuck that shit . . . I can’t even look! Wait . . . $457.63 due: tomorrow. Hmm . . .

  Lindsey: 20hrs times 8=160.00.

  I fire up my laptop and get into my bank account for business.

  $1604.23.

  “Booyah, motherfucka!” I fist pump before writing out a check for the rent. I pay the Amex bill online then pay the vendor with the Amex (that will be charged on Monday to give all the money a chance to settle.). That leaves me with . . . $146.60. That plus what I get today will cover the electric and some of Lindsay’s paycheck. I pull up my personal account. Um . . . yeah, looks like I’ll be visiting the pawn shop later.

  Fuck my life . . . just fuck it!

  Well, it could’ve been worse, right? I lean back in my office chair, closing my eyes for a moment. I love my chair. It’s one of those that go back so far, you think you’re going to fall. I open my eyes back up. “Fuck! Jesus Christ, Linz!” I yell, holding my chest, after she scares the effin’ crap out of me.

  “Sorry,” she says sympathetically then begins to giggle. “You should’ve seen your face; that was awesome.”

  “Yeah . . . yeah. What’s up? Our client here?” I swirl my chair around to face her.

  “No. You forgot to open these.” She hands the other notes from Kyle to me. I take in a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh, grabbing the notes from her.

  Note #2:

  Yes, that, most definitely, would be creepy.

  Note #3:

  Ok. I laughed. Damn it. I wasn’t expecting that.

  “What’s so funny?” Lindsay tries to peek.

  “Nothing really.” I close up the letter and shove it in my desk drawer. “Hey, Linz, I need to talk to you about something. Can you sit?”

  “There’s no other seat in here, CiCi.” She looks around then back at me with her brow furrowed.

  “It was just a figure of speech.” I wave her off.

  “Huh?”

  “Never mind. Listen, I’m gonna need to cut back on your hours. It’s only temporary.” I add the last bit quickly.

  “Did I do something wrong?” she asks, her chin beginning to quiver.

  “God, no, Linz.” I grab her hands. “Things are just really slow right now. It’s getting very difficult for me to keep up with my bills. Do you understand that it has nothing to do with you? If I had the money, I’d have you here full-time if you wanted it.” I try to reassure her.

  “Can I still come in? Can I volunteer some of my time?”

  “You’d do that?”

  “I love working here. I look forward to it.” She looks down. “This is the only place I’ve ever worked where no-one treats me differently. I’m just Lindsay here. I’m not the girl with Downs Syndrome.”

  “Have I ever told you how fucking awesome I think you are?” I smile through my tears. I love this kid. Fuck al
l those people who treat her differently! She is different—she’s not a douchebag like most people. She’s sweet, sincere, loving, caring . . . you get the idea. She rocks and it’s an honor not only to know her but to call her my friend. “If you want to volunteer ten hours and work the other ten, that’s fine by me! I can’t imagine this place without you. Buddy would have conniption fit if you weren’t here when he was.” I get up and hug her.

  “I wouldn’t want to do that to him.” She shakes her head.

  “Alright, c’mon . . . let’s get out there. Maybe a massive rush happened while we were both back here.” I side hug her to me as we head out. Just then, the bells jingle and Addie walks through with Pearl.

  “Would it look like favoritism if we took Pearl first?” Lindsay leans closer to me to ask. I go into hysterics. I’m definitely rubbing off on her. Probably not a good thing, but it’s funny.

  “Addie might get upset but she’ll just have to understand that we take the dogs first—always!” I play along. Lindsay giggles. I love it when she laughs.

  “Where’s Ava?” I ask Charley as she arrives—late as usual. Maddie, Julie, and I have already had a first round.

  “I’m sorry; did I get promoted to Ava’s fucking keeper?” She wraps her purse strap on the back of her chair before sitting. We all hiss at her and put our claws up.

  “Sorry. I’m in a pissy mood.” She props her elbow on the table and lays her head in her open palm.

  “What’s up?” Maddie asks then slurps her margarita up in an obnoxious manner that has all three of us staring at her.

  “Just Mitch. He says some fucked up shit sometimes. I get it. I know why he does it. My problem is that he catches himself quickly, apologizes, and in the same breath, expects me to be ok. Like . . . let me pissed off for a minute. I’m, like, entitled to my feelings. Just because you, like, apologized doesn’t mean I’m supposed, like, get over it that quick!”

  “I, like, totally agree with you.” I try to keep my straightest face.

  “What does Mama Kardashian say about this?” Julie asks in an extremely serious tone. I actually don’t know how she is keeping a straight face or any of us for that matter.

  “What?” Charley squints her eyes at Julie as if she’s trying to figure her out.

  “I think she would, like, totally agree with you.” Maddie pipes in, clearly knowing where we’re going with this.

  “What the fuck are you bitches talking about?!” Charley practically yells.

  “Have you recently watched a Kardashian marathon or something because you are, like, totally sounding like them?” I ask.

  “Fuck, really?”

  “Like . . . yup,” Julie says then laughs. “Here’s Ava, now.” She adds, nodding her head towards the door.

  “Sorry!” She runs up. “What did I miss?”

  “Charley spent the night with a bunch of valley girls, that’s all,” I inform her.

  “You whore!” She spits out at Charley. “Were they cute?”

  “Not as cute as you.” She smiles and goes in for a hug.

  “Alright, knock it off with the girl on girl love. I have some serious shit I need to discuss. Order your drinks so you two can catch up to us.” I point my finger and wave it between Charley and Ava.

  “Eh, I’m going to pass tonight. I’m actually feeling a bit queasy.” Charley says as DeeDee walks up to us for their order (Yes, that’s Buddy’s bitch . . . I mean, owner.). “Just a pineapple and cranberry tonight, DeeDee. I want one of Mick’s Reubens, though. I’m wicked starvin,’” she informs her.

  “Welcome back to New England.” Julie lifts a glass to her.

  “Thanks. I’ve missed it. Such a lovely place.” Charley winks. Ava orders the same as Charley and as soon as Dee leaves, all eyes are on me.

  “Ok. What are we looking at here—zombie apocalypse?” Ava asks, pulling a white packaged snack of some sort out of her purse.

  “What the fuck is that?”

  “My granola snack,” she says defensively.

  “You’re a fucking a dork.” I shake my head.

  “What?” She shrugs.

  “You don’t come to a bar and pull out your own Goddamn Scooby Snack! You fucking drink a beer and eat some bad bar food that will give you the shits tomorrow,” I inform her.

  “It’s called the bar diet; man’s secret for years.” Julie offers. “I know this because I’m a model, there’s not a diet out there that we don’t know years before anyone else. We’re like the guinea pigs for the FBA.”

  “It’s the FDA, dipshit.” Charley interjects.

  “Who cares anyways? What the hell do they even stand for?”

  “Fat Dickheads Association!” I yell over Maddie who is, of course, offering the right information. Mine sounds better, though, doncha think?

  “What the hell is the FBA then?” She gives us a quizzical look.

  “Full Breasted Asswhores . . . they are the sister administration.”

  “Isn’t that the club we belonged to in high school?”

  “That was FBLA.” Maddie fans herself. Oh boy . . . this is going to be a banner night.

  “Which stood for: Fucked Before Legal Age.”

  “It did not!” Ava laughs, “Knock it off.”

  “Yes! Can we get back to the topic at hand?” Charley snaps. Man, she is in a pissy mood. Normally I would fuckin’ run with this shit but I’m praying she doesn’t say anything about Kyle and me last night. If I mess with her, I can kiss that prayer goodbye.

  “Alright! Geez!” I say then close my eyes to regroup. You have no idea how hard this is for me (Psst . . . that’s what she said). “I think you all know that I’ve been struggling at the shop for the past few months. Wait! Let me finish!” I put my hand up when half of them open their mouths. Julie, of course, is not. That’s because she knows partly what’s going on. Don’t let her fool you with this whole ditzy model routine; it’s all part of her act. She’s pretty fucking brilliant and can get info out of you like a twenty year veteran spy. “No, I’m not selling the shop. I’ve never hit a low like this but I’m sure I can figure out how to fix that. In the meantime, I am going to sell my house, catch up on my bills, and possibly look into another idea I’ve recently given a second thought to. What do you guys think? I’m going to need help—and by that I mean—I need to borrow money from all of you.” I say the last bit quickly. It doesn’t matter how fast I just said that; I heard the tires screeching in my head as they all came to a complete stop.

  Collectively—they all stare.

  I stare back.

  It’s becoming uncomfortable right about now.

  Can somebody please unpause this shit?!

  I’m not surprised by their reaction. I never ask for help . . . not like this. Charley clears her throat and leans in from across the table like big brother is watching. “What do you need? You know Mitch and I—”

  “No!” I cut her off. “Mitch can’t know because he will tell Kyle. I don’t want Kyle to know any of this.” I tap at the table for emphasis. “That’s why I’m asking all of you for help. He won’t notice the amount I’m asking for.”

  “What amount is that?” she asks.

  “The amount that he won’t notice.”

  “Which is?” she asks impatiently as DeeDee places all of our drinks down then walks away.

  “You suck his dick . . . what amount won’t get his balls in a twist?” I shrug. Maddie is now suffering from the misfortune of thinking that it was safe to start her next margarita. A slushy green substance is pouring out of her nostrils as she tries to contain her laughter.

  “It’s Leaky Lindsay!” We all yell at the same time. Yes, we all had a thing for Garbage Pail Kid cards back in the 80’s (I may or may not still have mine . . . shh.). We all throw our little drink napkins at her.

  “Fuck, I needed that,” she says, finally able to breathe.

  “You needed green shit coming out of your nose?” Charley asks, chuckling a bit.

  “Bette
r her nose than her vag . . .” Ava pipes up.

  “Ewww!” We all screech collectively. I follow up with the “that skeeves me” shiver.

  “So, what are you looking at? The grand total, so we can figure this shit out.” Julie asks, grabbing half of Charley’s sandwich as it is delivered.

  “Julie!” she yells as Julie sinks her teeth in.

  “What?! It’s a big sandwich. I’m helping you!” she says defensively.

  “Why didn’t you order one?”

  “Yours tastes better.”

  “How do you know?”

  “It always tastes better when it’s someone else’s,” she states before taking another heaping bite.

  “Honestly, whatever you girls can manage, but let’s not be cheap bitches about it, either, please,” I finally say after the numbers run through my mind, not making a lick of sense.

  “Nice touch, throwing that ‘please’ in there at the end.” Maddie winks.

  “I’m working on my charm.” I steal a fry from Charley.

  “What. In. The. Actual. Fuck, you two?!” She pulls her plate closer and circles her arm around it clearly trying to keep us off of it. I smile and bite into it.

  “I need to catch up on some bills on the house, get everything up to date.” I go back to the real conversation at hand.

  “You’ll need money for the repairs then, too.” Charley says, taking a bite of her sandwich.

  “What repairs?” Julie furrows her brows, looking between Charley and me.

  “Charley, do you really think I’d be this calm if I had no water at my house? My electric got cut off,” I inform her.

  “Is a thousand enough from each of us?” Maddie asks, “Can your parents help?”

  “No. They can’t help at all. I won’t even ask. And yes, that should be a good amount. I have to say that while I’m relieved that you are all able to help like this, it makes me feel like a complete shithead. How the fuck do you bitches have a grand laying around like pocket change?”

  “I don’t. I have to talk to Trent. That may be too much for us at the moment. We’re still hurting from all of the money we’ve shelled out trying to have a baby.” Ava shakes her head.

  “I’ll pay you back as soon as the house sells. I promise.” I reach forward to grab her hand and squeeze it.